ugh

So I'm frustrated and a little confused. I feel like I'm a little bit of a failure, or a little bit lazy, because I only like to paint certain things....because those are the things I want to paint, those are the things that I'm drawn to. Images where I can use wide brush strokes and bright colors, where I can make changes easily, where I can make it look like what I want it to. I'm not excited when things turn out too realistic. I know that I could paint an apple and have it look like a photograph, but I don't want to, it's not really satisfying. And I've spent a long time trying to loosen up and stop doing that. But I do like my work to be representational, I'm never very happy when I create something that is completely abstract. It somehow doesn't feel valid to me. Like there are far too many options that I haven't explored so this one couldn't possibly be the best one, and there are not enough hours in the day find it.

But then I think, am I only drawn to these certain things because I know that I can paint them well? That I won't have to put in a lot of effort to make it look how I want it to? Maybe it's not that they inspire me, maybe it's that I'm lazy, I haven't had a lot of experience painting the figure and that's why I don't want to? It's hard for me to tell.

Then I think back to the paintings and artists that always inspire me, their subjects are often the same as mine. I don't think I'm lazy...I paint almost everyday it seems. And I'm not nearly as scared of failure as I used to be, but obviously not completely over the "maybe I'm supposed to be doing this" and not actually what I want to be doing.

This post probably makes no sense to anyone but me.

Here's my next problem: I really enjoy the whole etsy thing, it's great because my studio gets cleaned out. It's also great because sometimes the paintings I like the least are the ones that sell, and I don't have to look at them anymore. But here's the problem, the one's that I like the least are the ones that sell! Why?!

Ok I like some of them. But why is it that well over half my sales have been the ones that are fruit?

Here's what it feels like, I spend 40 minutes painting a pear, I list it and it sells in an hour. I spend considerably more time painting something that I feel is more successful in the end, and it just stays in my shop forever. And now I feel like I have to keep painting fruit over and over so that I can keep the rest of my shop open with the things that I like more. Maybe this shouldn't even be frustrating. It's not that I don't like to paint fruit, I do! But I just feel like I should keep painting different things because I feel like a creative failure to do the same type of thing again and again. I wish I had an answer. I also wish cradled masonite panels weren't so darn expensive. I guess I'll just keep painting.